We were raised with the ideal even if we came from a home which wasn't that. Hard lessons teach us to keep it real, even though society is still chasing after that. I've learned to understand that even if I bought the whole world I cannot make the wrongs inflicted upon the wronged right. I cannot fix the mistakes that leave others in a difficult place, because I am not the one in control. At one point I thought I could at least try to make it better, attempt for the "next best thing" but this I also realized isn't in firm standing. Just as you cannot make a wolf eat a flower instead of the little rabbit shivering beneath it's power, you cannot make the blind see his reflection or the deaf hear his voice.....it's not in my control. For some reason I was born with this fire to make right what seems wrong, this yearning desire that if I try, if I really really try it'll be alright. But ...it's not in my control. What might appear good may not be and so really I don't own true reality, I just submit knowing the All Knowing is taking care of me. My duty is where I land, if I'm pardoned early for death to take my hand, I welcome that stand provided HE is Pleased with me. At one point I wasn't sure if I'd like to go Home, leaving behind those that I thought I own. Though I carried them for 9 months and a scar remains forever upon me they remain a duty. And so when I'm called back to the Almighty, I know they'll be safe, and He'll appoint for them a better place even if it isn't the ideal. And it'd be a lie if I said that I'd cry from my depth if they parted from me to a blissful eternity because that's a dream come true. That's the objective to have my babies for eternity, peacefully, so what's the true reality of the love of a mother? And if God willed for them to die later, I pray it's only to increase them in honor. The ideal of being the sole source of joy or affection to one man, is not even up for discussion. The concept is beyond me now, I don't even see how that can be ideal even in fiction it remains a contradiction. But I remain with the reality of my duty, so yes a single mother I'll always be. There's no making that "right" or fixing the wrong, it's just strength God will send down (Insha'Allah). Though I have a lot to learn in this vast world, the touch of knowledge that has caressed me is one that I hold on to firmly. I've held enough doors open to know a woman is her own Queen. I've let go of enough friendships to know that by attaching yourself you'll only suffer the glitch. I've thrown enough fits and spoken enough words to know that I don't control the heart of any being. I've walked enough roads to know what you're told isn't worth a gram of gold. I've looked in enough eyes of a child to realize that I have three that's my primary responsiblity and that I will not let any human dare take that from me; regardless of where they stand in position to me. I remain answerable to ONE, duty bound to some but never at the expense of what God has left within my hands, within my control. There will come a time I must let go, the results unknown....not in my control. So I trek through life.....duty bound and no more. That's the objective, the goal, the path, my role, and if I'm graced with the opportunity to be a wife that's the stance I take. Until I get HOME, where the "ideal" is mine, I'm gonna keep it real, and know in the end Insha'Allah with His Guidance, I'll be fine!